Treat ’em Right

If your local grocer is fresh out of liquid nitrogen, there’s no better way to ice your balls post ride. Your heart rate decreases fairly rapidly if you aren’t one that washes down a rack of ribs with a pint of lard and your muscles bounce back from fatigue in hours. Your balls–or Middle Earth for you sci-fi lovers–take days before they ready to be subjected to carrying the load of your body while contained in a lycra casing. You want terrorists to reveal secrets? Have them don a pair of bib shorts with no chamois cream and let them ride for a couple of hours. Fuck That! I know I’d squeal before the first mile.

Chamois Butt’r with menthol is my go-to choice during the summer. It feels like 100’s of black people blowing Newport smoke on my genitals. Its true. I don’t think the company can use that as a testimonial. Change it up by referencing people of other nationalities as well. Yeah…That would work.

One tube per season should do you. Be liberal, yet conservative. Remember, Middle-Earth is at stake.


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